We all know what Feb. 14 means. Yes, it’s National Ferris Wheel Day.
That special date was set aside in order to celebrate all things large and rotating every year. Is there any occasion more opportune for couples to reaffirm their passion for and commitment to each other? Nothing gets a woman’s heart beating faster than being stuck 200 feet in the air during a windstorm while a grease-covered carny scratches his head over the housing of a smoking motor. That’s what lifelong memories are made of.
If there were any justice, National Ferris Wheel Day would have Feb. 14 all to itself instead of having to share the spotlight with the memory of a nefarious Depression-era gun battle between warring gangsters. The powers that be should have called the bloodbath The National Ferris Wheel Day Massacre, which would have been logical. Instead, we have to live with The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, as if a holiday dedicated to love and romance could ever end in ruin.
I’m not suggesting there aren’t challenges in keeping Valentine’s Day a bloodless occasion, but by following a few simple rules, most men can keep most women from chasing them through the streets with tommy guns.
First and foremost, remember on what day the holiday falls. This should be easy since, as mentioned above, it shares the same spot on the calendar as its more famous cousin, and who would ever forget National Ferris Wheel Day?
Second, it’s all about making her feel special. You may want to spend the day drinking beer and watching the Winter Olympics on the high-definition Jumbotron at your favorite sports pub, but it’s unlikely dragging your significant other with you will qualify as a date, even if you do arrange the buffalo wings into the shape of a heart and tenderly explain to her why curling is a real sport and not just a bunch of janitors goofing off.
It’s important to start the day off right. Consider making your love breakfast in bed. But a few words of warning: The simpler the better. Most women would rather have cereal, a glass of orange juice and a clean kitchen than eggs Benedict, a homemade fruit smoothie and a splatter of atomized banana drying across the ceiling.
Or you could write your love a poem expressing your feelings. Don’t, however, confuse “poem” with “limerick.” Comparing any part of her with Nantucket is a sure way to get all your clothes thrown out on the front lawn.
Avoid buying her cheap chocolates, supermarket flowers or lingerie. Nothing says “I really don’t know you at all” better than receiving a French maid’s getup from Frederick’s of Hollywood when what she was expecting was a nightie from Victoria’s Secret.
Finally, if you happen to read this column late in the day and are only now realizing what day it is, you can always fall back on the defense of last resort: Sweep her off her feet and give her a foot massage. For reasons that will forever remain a mystery, women love having their feet rubbed. An hour should suffice, but it may take longer depending on how angry she is. You can even watch the Olympics while you’re massaging, provided the sound is turned down and you’re reciting Shakespearean love sonnets.
It may seem like a strange way to celebrate National Ferris Wheel Day, but at least we can avoid getting massacred.